Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Still believe you'll walk through my door.... I miss you...

Hey, thought i'd tell you what was on my mind the past few days. I can't believe that i am still so in love with you. I've tried so many ways to forget and of course, i did not succeed. While you were in a relationship, i learned how to let you go but still i love you. I learn to tell myself that i should be happy for you that you have someone you love by your side and that made you happy. Seeing you happy makes me happy but i still love you. I successfully accepted and respected the both of you being my friends and of course the both of you being a couple. I was actually happy for the both of you. And i became friends with her as well. Again. Everything was solid till someone stepped in. I tried my very best to see you safe and cherish your relationship with her as much as possible. Honestly, i still love you but i rather see you with her than anyone else. I really did not want you to throw everything away just like that. She is after all a very nice person. Both she and i know that there is nothing we can do to stop you from doing whatever you want to do. That is why i was around to keep you safe and reminded. I love you too much to see you hurt her. I love you too much to see you throw away a perfectly good relationship. From the heart, as soon as i know that i cannot have you for myself no matter how hard i try, i realise that i have given up chasing but i still love you.
Yes, at times of need and care i wished you would be the one who would be there for me. But in all honesty, you were only there once. The time when i needed you most. The time when i needed a shoulder to cry on. You were there. The other times i wouldn't say because you just weren't there. Everytime i cry when i was all alone with no one to turn to. Up until today, you are still the first person i think of when things happen to me whether good or bad.
I never really understood why with just one smile i can be contented. You know how to put a smile on my face. I hate you for that, but i still love you. Everytime i see you smile, i can't help it but smile. I guess, that is all i wanted, all i needed.

But in all honesty, there is nothing i see in future with you right now. It would be perfect if you grew up and still care for me the same way you do now. But somehow, i just miss you a lot. Maybe leaving will be a good idea. Letting go was never easy. I've never expected something like this could happen. I have tried letting go for almost 3 times now. Finally, it worked. But something else had to change things. Just when i was adapted to the new change, something changes again. The adaptation is never ending. Hate is when that happens. Sometimes i wished i did not have a heart. I wished i did not know what love is. I wished so much just to be happy. I am... but there is no one to share it with. What's the use of all the success if you don't have anyone to share it with?
That is something i will not understand... my heart. Sometimes i wished you will somehow walk back into my life but part of me in all rationality tells me that i am not the one he loves. Why? I ask myself why do i still love someone so much just to find out the feeling is not mutual? Why?
Will you still walk through my door? I really missed you.....
That is something that i would really want to tell him right now. Right this moment. But i can't. There is never a right time for me to tell him anything. Timing is a bitch when it comes to talking to him about things like these. Will there ever be a time for me to ever tell him all that is in my heart? Is it worth it?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I do not understand......

Hearing the news that she has broken up with him STILL came to me as a shock even though i already knew what she was going to do 3 weeks ago. Nontheless, i was speechless. Maybe it's because i was thinking about him at that time. I wondered, how he is and how he would've have taken the news. The instant i heard that he was crying, a small tear shed from my eyes. I wanted so much to call him and comfort him and let him know that i am there for him. But, i was to pretend that i knew nothing about it till he tells me.
Not long after that, he came online. I saw his broken heart and asked casually if he was alright. He told me the whole thing. That she left him for another guy. There i was thinking, she wouldn't do such a thing. She told me she knew how it felt like and she would never do such things to him.
Later, i spoke to her and yes. She finally told me the truth. She had another guy. In an instant, i thought, what a bitch. Lying once before and now...... I was speechless for a second or two. I was not angry at all for what she has done. I doubt i knew what was going on in my head let alone my heart. But they both tell me that i shouldn't be angry at her for her actions and not to hate her. I did not know why.

I have felt the immense pain of having someone take someone away from me. And she was the one who did it. And now here she is, doing it again to another girl who was in a 8 years relationship. I was thinking to myself.... What is she trying to do? Doesn't she understand the pain?

The only thing my heart is telling me to do is i should congratulate her with all my heart and be happy for her. But at the same time, warn her that if that guy can leave a 8 years relationship, anything can happen between them now.

The thing that i do not understand is, how come i am not mad at her? And why am i being so calm about all this? The fact that i kept telling her that i understand and i do not hate her confuses me more.

Do i really understand how she feels and at the same time understand the pain that she has caused the girl and him? Am i turning into a "i've experienced it and i understand" kinda person to the extend of forgiving everything that has gone wrong? Or am i going mad?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

What have i done?

Feeling of disappointment and depression is building up in me.... I am begining to doubt if my intentions of helping you was really worth it.... and it is still right? Have i lost my mind to indecisions?

I wish i could still tell you how much i love you. I know i can't and i have no right to share this love with you.

Thorn between being a friend and an individual... i am trapped in my own game. A game that shouldn't have started. If only i let you be... if only i let you go. Knowing i can do something.. knowing that i have the power to shed you from all this... i couldn't stand by and not do anything.

Perhaps my actions were wrong in the first place. Maybe you did want to have your way. Maybe you are not who i thought you were. Once again, my intuition was wrong. Clouded by my heart's judgement. Blinded by the love for the one i love. I guess it was just not my place and duty to be protecting you. Maybe GOD put me in this position to make me realise that i am NOT the one who is placed next to him to shed him from all these. I always believe.... GOD has his reasons for doing things. Yes, i do believe in that.

No matter how much i try..... no matter what i do.... it just does not ammount to the love i have for him. Perhaps the best way to help you, is to let you be on your own.. with me out of the picture. Yes.... i like being with you. I like the way you make me smile. But i have shed an equal amount of tears in the process.

I begin to question myself if all this is worth it. In an instant, i will answer yes. Because this is all that i can do. Perhaps my biggest down fall is that i care to much. I must learn to be more persistant in setting my boundaries. Even in helping him.

It was never easy being around him. Yes, i have a lot of interesting and enjoyable moments with him. But just being able to tell him how much i still care for him kills me. I made a mistake in the past and i am paying for it. It was one mistake that is eating me alive and one that i will not forget. It is true... as long as i have him around, i will never come out of this deep hole that i have fallen in. As long as i have him around, i will never see the light that is shining on the rope. The very rope that leads to the top of the hole.

Why does life have to be so difficult? Yes.... no one said life was easy... Definitely not easy when you have more than one person in it. Everything you do or say may or may not effect the people around you. I remember that very question, "is being an adult more complicated than being a child". That is a definite yes!!!

But i have to look at myself too... i have made yet another mistake. I betrayed my friends and the people i care for. I failed to consider and failed to be in control. Falling once again is just going to make me stronger. However, before i stand again, i have to be able to gather the strength to stand up.

I know i should not be blaming myself for all that has happened.... Perhaps i did not make so much of a mistake. But what i do know is.... I already made a mistake. Any mistake, big or small... is already a good reason for me to stop and think. Think... it is something that i have been overlooking.

Blocking what other people tell me is not going to help. But too much of information..... too many things to do.... to many things to decide. Make me feel... am i worthy? Did i make the mistake? I know i made a huge mistake!!!

No one is going to help me solve this problem. No one is going to be there when i fall. But what i do know is.... I have my conscience to be my guide. But even with my conscience guiding me.... My intentions may be the very thing that is clouding my conscience leading to my judgement.

I am not such a good friend as i thought i was. Maybe i should leave this people and find another place with another group of people to start afresh. No matter how or what they are telling me about people do make mistakes, i still have my guilt and conscience to answer to. I cannot let things be like this anymore.

Does leaving mean i am giving up on my friends once again? Does it mean that i do not appreciate my friends? Am i going to make things worst? Does is mean that i am giving in and facing defeat? or Does it mean doing the right thing?

Is there another way to make this work. I know.... no matter what i decide, nothing will be the same and nothing in my life will ever be the same again. It is something that i have brought upon myself and i blame no one but myself. Life couldn't be any easier...... It is just part of life.... its vicious... and its a cycle. There is no end.... there is no begining.... "It ends, it begins"