A new begining

Sad and painful memories emerged from the back of my head...... I can never supress that "stinging" feeling somewhere in my heart every time i think of him. There was never a moment where i can stop thinking about all that have happened......... Yes, i admit that it was nothing that i could've done about it....... or is there? Come to think of it now, i could've dumped all these misery by choosing not to start. Not starting the sweetest most unforgettable relationship of my 22 years of life. Then again.... without this relationship... i would've not be where i am today... i guess it's just the purpose of life...... "you walk, you fall, you get up and you walk again"

Of course, everything in life is always easier said than done. I for one can tell you from the bottom of my heart, "I know". The irony in life is that, "you are able to give tonnes of advice to others, but there is no way u can hear yourself". I've lived to experience and share....... unfortunately, everything that i am able to share are personal experiences. Needless to say, most of the advices comes from learning through bad experiences. Some of which i've never come to surpass. Like i said, it is easier said than done.

I know a lot of things..... i know how life goes and how people should see it...... I am able to find the "light" when in darkness.... I can tell you, i know....... But finding peace with yourself and moving on is always the hardest thing to do.

I know exactly what i am doing.... i've loved and lost and loved again...... i know for a fact that there is nothing i can do to have him back in my life...... i know that there is no easy way out......

The more i tell myself it is over and there is nothing i can do about it, the more i refuse to let go. I've told myself many many times to move on..... but if moving on means losing someone so dear.... i rather not. But if i go on like this, i will never be happy....... Is there no other way??? The more i see him now, the more i remember...... and like i said.... i've loved and lost and love again. Must i say goodbye and never return?

Why does it always have to be like this? Sometimes i wished so hard to have my memories erased but those memories are irreplaceable...... I tried leaving him behind... vowing never to return... the longer i am away, the sadder i become. There is not a day that past without a piece of memory of him.

What should i do? I thought about it. From a lot of perspective. Event to the religious point of view.... "There is a reason why God chose you to undergo his test"..... I just wonder why..... I know it is not my place to question being not a "child" of God...... But i do think.... Why me? Why move the pieces of my life in such a way that everytime i get some good going.... it ends..... Is there a reason to all these? Is my validity in life so predictable in such a way.

Frankly, i don't think i have the confidence to achieve anything at this point of time. If all that i am going to gain is heartbreak and disappointment everytime i've worked so hard, i rather not start. I guess that is why, up until now, i've not even looked nor try to have someone else in my life. It is not that i am such a difficult or an unfriendly girl.... i just made it that way..... I don't think i can handle another downfall such as this.

Yes, i know that one day.... eventually.... i will stand up and stand strong and "walk" again......