What have i done?

Feeling of disappointment and depression is building up in me.... I am begining to doubt if my intentions of helping you was really worth it.... and it is still right? Have i lost my mind to indecisions?

I wish i could still tell you how much i love you. I know i can't and i have no right to share this love with you.

Thorn between being a friend and an individual... i am trapped in my own game. A game that shouldn't have started. If only i let you be... if only i let you go. Knowing i can do something.. knowing that i have the power to shed you from all this... i couldn't stand by and not do anything.

Perhaps my actions were wrong in the first place. Maybe you did want to have your way. Maybe you are not who i thought you were. Once again, my intuition was wrong. Clouded by my heart's judgement. Blinded by the love for the one i love. I guess it was just not my place and duty to be protecting you. Maybe GOD put me in this position to make me realise that i am NOT the one who is placed next to him to shed him from all these. I always believe.... GOD has his reasons for doing things. Yes, i do believe in that.

No matter how much i try..... no matter what i do.... it just does not ammount to the love i have for him. Perhaps the best way to help you, is to let you be on your own.. with me out of the picture. Yes.... i like being with you. I like the way you make me smile. But i have shed an equal amount of tears in the process.

I begin to question myself if all this is worth it. In an instant, i will answer yes. Because this is all that i can do. Perhaps my biggest down fall is that i care to much. I must learn to be more persistant in setting my boundaries. Even in helping him.

It was never easy being around him. Yes, i have a lot of interesting and enjoyable moments with him. But just being able to tell him how much i still care for him kills me. I made a mistake in the past and i am paying for it. It was one mistake that is eating me alive and one that i will not forget. It is true... as long as i have him around, i will never come out of this deep hole that i have fallen in. As long as i have him around, i will never see the light that is shining on the rope. The very rope that leads to the top of the hole.

Why does life have to be so difficult? Yes.... no one said life was easy... Definitely not easy when you have more than one person in it. Everything you do or say may or may not effect the people around you. I remember that very question, "is being an adult more complicated than being a child". That is a definite yes!!!

But i have to look at myself too... i have made yet another mistake. I betrayed my friends and the people i care for. I failed to consider and failed to be in control. Falling once again is just going to make me stronger. However, before i stand again, i have to be able to gather the strength to stand up.

I know i should not be blaming myself for all that has happened.... Perhaps i did not make so much of a mistake. But what i do know is.... I already made a mistake. Any mistake, big or small... is already a good reason for me to stop and think. Think... it is something that i have been overlooking.

Blocking what other people tell me is not going to help. But too much of information..... too many things to do.... to many things to decide. Make me feel... am i worthy? Did i make the mistake? I know i made a huge mistake!!!

No one is going to help me solve this problem. No one is going to be there when i fall. But what i do know is.... I have my conscience to be my guide. But even with my conscience guiding me.... My intentions may be the very thing that is clouding my conscience leading to my judgement.

I am not such a good friend as i thought i was. Maybe i should leave this people and find another place with another group of people to start afresh. No matter how or what they are telling me about people do make mistakes, i still have my guilt and conscience to answer to. I cannot let things be like this anymore.

Does leaving mean i am giving up on my friends once again? Does it mean that i do not appreciate my friends? Am i going to make things worst? Does is mean that i am giving in and facing defeat? or Does it mean doing the right thing?

Is there another way to make this work. I know.... no matter what i decide, nothing will be the same and nothing in my life will ever be the same again. It is something that i have brought upon myself and i blame no one but myself. Life couldn't be any easier...... It is just part of life.... its vicious... and its a cycle. There is no end.... there is no begining.... "It ends, it begins"