Woah... i finally felt a great big boulder disappear from my shoulder....
Yes... the conference is over... though i must say.... it was entirely DIFFERENT from what i had expected.
And i DO mean it in a good way... or a bad way... hmm... i'll let you decide...
Here's the thing... when i heard about a conference and all researchers are to present their paper infront of a crowd... i thought... woah... this is big...
Well... you guessed it... its nothing more than a slightly larger class presentation... the only difference is... there was a panel....
I had a great disadvantage with my research... it was far from normal... or at least i had comments like, "its a head of time" and things like "its not of this level".....
From a researcher point of view... it was a good thing... it meant that i was doign a pretty good job in choosing my topic AND... compliments from the lecturer... it was what she was looking for... a more narrowed down topic that focuses on the essence of the problem in the industry... not just a wide scope of management issues from a business point of view....
So, what next?
Ever since i assisted in a thesis about 1 1/2 years back, i found the topic of
RISK MANAGEMENT a pretty interesting issue to discuss and focus on. Especially as event organizers....
You guessed it... my next move is to continue my research on this topic.... crazy but its worth it. Coming up with my own manual and management plan... later implement it in a company... how cool is that.... whether it happens or not thats another story... something to look forward to...
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
two teardrops were floating down the river...
Don't be too good I will miss you.
Don't be too caring, I might like you.
Don't be too sweet, I might fall for
you.
It's hard for me to love you when you
won't love me after all...
Bottomline : A person who makes me
loves him/her is actually a person who
loves me more than I love him/her.
If someone comes into your life
and becomes a part of you
but for some reasons he couldn't stay,
don't cry too much...
just be glad that your paths crossed
and somehow he made you happy even for
a while.
Bottomline : Time will tell, If he's
yours he will come back
Two tear drops were floating down the
river.
One teardrop said to the other,
"I'm the teardrop of a girl who loved
a man and lost him. Who are you?"
"I'm the teardrop of the man who
regret letting a girl go..."
Bottomline : Nobody will sympathise a
person who constantly let chances
passes by without making any efforts
to salvage. We normally don't realise
how important our loved and closed
ones are until they left us, we'll
start reminiscences which results
misery.
Love can make you happy although often
times it hurts.
But love is only special if you give
it to which it's worth.
Bottomline : If you found someone who
truly appreciates you, He/she deserves
more of your love.
What If someone tells you this: I
don't believe in courtship.
It's just a waste of time. If I love
the person, I'll tell her right away.
But for you I will make an exception...
just love me now and I'll court you
forever...
Bottomline : Love needs time to
realise, there might be love at first
sight but it takes time to let one
gradually discover their affection
towards another, miss him/her when
he/she is not around, hope to hear
from he/she when the person has not
written or called.
It's always better to have found the
courage to love even if you lose
it in the end rather than never found
love because you were too afraid
of the challenge.
Bottomline : Don't give up if you face
or think that you have competitors.
It's always better to try, if you
suceed, the reward is more than you
can expect. but if you don't try or
don't summon up the courage, you might
lose the one you like/love forever...
The greatest challenge in our life is
to find someone who knows our flaws
and differences and yet still
willingly embraces you with so much
love.
Bottomline : Love is a means of self
giving and self sacrificsing, if
he/she knows your flaws and still
willing to accept you, continue to
like/love you as you are or even more,
boy, you are lucky! This person truly
deserves your love and affection.
The spaces between our fingers were
created so that another person's
fingers could fill them in.
Bottomline : open your heart, let
people love you, never Doubt their
intentions, sincerity can be felt by
the heart.
When you love, it is not for you to be
understood but for you To understand;
not for you to take but for you to be
taken; to listen not to dictate; to
sacrifice and not to demand; not to
count or measure but to love.
Don't be too caring, I might like you.
Don't be too sweet, I might fall for
you.
It's hard for me to love you when you
won't love me after all...
Bottomline : A person who makes me
loves him/her is actually a person who
loves me more than I love him/her.
If someone comes into your life
and becomes a part of you
but for some reasons he couldn't stay,
don't cry too much...
just be glad that your paths crossed
and somehow he made you happy even for
a while.
Bottomline : Time will tell, If he's
yours he will come back
Two tear drops were floating down the
river.
One teardrop said to the other,
"I'm the teardrop of a girl who loved
a man and lost him. Who are you?"
"I'm the teardrop of the man who
regret letting a girl go..."
Bottomline : Nobody will sympathise a
person who constantly let chances
passes by without making any efforts
to salvage. We normally don't realise
how important our loved and closed
ones are until they left us, we'll
start reminiscences which results
misery.
Love can make you happy although often
times it hurts.
But love is only special if you give
it to which it's worth.
Bottomline : If you found someone who
truly appreciates you, He/she deserves
more of your love.
What If someone tells you this: I
don't believe in courtship.
It's just a waste of time. If I love
the person, I'll tell her right away.
But for you I will make an exception...
just love me now and I'll court you
forever...
Bottomline : Love needs time to
realise, there might be love at first
sight but it takes time to let one
gradually discover their affection
towards another, miss him/her when
he/she is not around, hope to hear
from he/she when the person has not
written or called.
It's always better to have found the
courage to love even if you lose
it in the end rather than never found
love because you were too afraid
of the challenge.
Bottomline : Don't give up if you face
or think that you have competitors.
It's always better to try, if you
suceed, the reward is more than you
can expect. but if you don't try or
don't summon up the courage, you might
lose the one you like/love forever...
The greatest challenge in our life is
to find someone who knows our flaws
and differences and yet still
willingly embraces you with so much
love.
Bottomline : Love is a means of self
giving and self sacrificsing, if
he/she knows your flaws and still
willing to accept you, continue to
like/love you as you are or even more,
boy, you are lucky! This person truly
deserves your love and affection.
The spaces between our fingers were
created so that another person's
fingers could fill them in.
Bottomline : open your heart, let
people love you, never Doubt their
intentions, sincerity can be felt by
the heart.
When you love, it is not for you to be
understood but for you To understand;
not for you to take but for you to be
taken; to listen not to dictate; to
sacrifice and not to demand; not to
count or measure but to love.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
A relationship worth fighting for....
"Would you marry a person who loves you or the person you love?"
A good question asked...
Perhaps by taking a look at my current relationship would help define my answer.
After being in and out of relationships that have broken me into pieces... i am finally with a man whom i think is worth it.
Our odd "relationship" started way before we met. And for those 2 years, we've been getting along just fine. We talk, we laugh, we tell each other things.
When we finally met, i think i speak for the both of us when i say, "We were clueless." We know that we were in a "relationship" for the past years and we feel that we know each other. But there we were, face to face. Speechless. Frankly, i was "I can't believe it, after all these while, there he is." Being excited is one thing, feeling awkward is another.
And after 6 weeks of actually being together, it was time for him to leave. I knew he had to leave someday but it felt like a part of me leaving with him.
And to think, we had only been together in a relationship for more or less 2 weeks. Everything was happening too fast, too soon. Just when i was getting used to having someone there, i had to let go. It did cross my mind that this relationship might not last as soon as he boards the plane.
After a while of being apart, more and more things happened. More issues, arguments, disagreeing with each other, fighting for the littlest things. It tore me apart, bit by bit. The more we argued the more my heart suffered.
So many times i thought of ending things and yet so many times i held on. Fact is, i don't want to let go. I give in and work things out. And he being him, will always try to talk me out of it.
No matter how often or what we argue about, we still stop at one point and start working things out together. I've never stopped appreciating the courage that he has for the both of us. Being apart has not been easy for the both of us.
So, i guess the question is not about marrying someone who loves you OR marrying someone you love.
It's more of whether you can live with that person. To work things out together and to go through the rest of the years together. Not as 2 individuals but as 2 people who care enough about each other so much so they are willing to stop and start working things out.
I tell myself everyday that this IS the relationship worth fighting for. For all the things that we've been through and for all the hard times we've been together, it is well worth it.
We learn from each other, we keep each other going.
The more you learn from each other further in live, the more you will learn to cherish & love one another. That is what keeps us going.
Perhaps by taking a look at my current relationship would help define my answer.
After being in and out of relationships that have broken me into pieces... i am finally with a man whom i think is worth it.
Our odd "relationship" started way before we met. And for those 2 years, we've been getting along just fine. We talk, we laugh, we tell each other things.
When we finally met, i think i speak for the both of us when i say, "We were clueless." We know that we were in a "relationship" for the past years and we feel that we know each other. But there we were, face to face. Speechless. Frankly, i was "I can't believe it, after all these while, there he is." Being excited is one thing, feeling awkward is another.
And after 6 weeks of actually being together, it was time for him to leave. I knew he had to leave someday but it felt like a part of me leaving with him.
And to think, we had only been together in a relationship for more or less 2 weeks. Everything was happening too fast, too soon. Just when i was getting used to having someone there, i had to let go. It did cross my mind that this relationship might not last as soon as he boards the plane.
After a while of being apart, more and more things happened. More issues, arguments, disagreeing with each other, fighting for the littlest things. It tore me apart, bit by bit. The more we argued the more my heart suffered.
So many times i thought of ending things and yet so many times i held on. Fact is, i don't want to let go. I give in and work things out. And he being him, will always try to talk me out of it.
No matter how often or what we argue about, we still stop at one point and start working things out together. I've never stopped appreciating the courage that he has for the both of us. Being apart has not been easy for the both of us.
So, i guess the question is not about marrying someone who loves you OR marrying someone you love.
It's more of whether you can live with that person. To work things out together and to go through the rest of the years together. Not as 2 individuals but as 2 people who care enough about each other so much so they are willing to stop and start working things out.
I tell myself everyday that this IS the relationship worth fighting for. For all the things that we've been through and for all the hard times we've been together, it is well worth it.
We learn from each other, we keep each other going.
The more you learn from each other further in live, the more you will learn to cherish & love one another. That is what keeps us going.
If you find that person, i guarantee you there will be love. There will be a relationship where both
parties will cherish each other. And that is what you would want in your life.
Monday, April 02, 2007
The Natural Laws Of Everyday Life
1. Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch.
2. Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number,you never
get an engaged one.
3.Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for
work because you had a flat tire, the
next morning you will have a flat tire.
4. Variation Law of Traffic Jams:
If you change queues in traffic, the
one you have left will start to move
faster than the one you are in now.
5. THEORY of Bathing
When the body is immersed in water,the
telephone rings.
6.LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
7. LAW of the RESULT
When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.
8.LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
9.THEATRE RULE
At any event, the people whose seats
are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.
10.LAW OF COFFEE
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will
ask you to do something which will last
until the coffee is cold.
After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch.
2. Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number,you never
get an engaged one.
3.Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for
work because you had a flat tire, the
next morning you will have a flat tire.
4. Variation Law of Traffic Jams:
If you change queues in traffic, the
one you have left will start to move
faster than the one you are in now.
5. THEORY of Bathing
When the body is immersed in water,the
telephone rings.
6.LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
7. LAW of the RESULT
When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.
8.LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
9.THEATRE RULE
At any event, the people whose seats
are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.
10.LAW OF COFFEE
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will
ask you to do something which will last
until the coffee is cold.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
I curse the day i was given this gift/curse
There are things that i feel and can't explain. Actually, who am i kidding. I know exactly what's going on. My heart is telling me something is wrong. Something is forcing us apart. I don't want to hide anymore. Those feelings are strong and it has been around since early this week. I can't help but noticed that you're shying away from me. More and more everyday. Our conversation gets weaker and weaker. And now, there is nothing to talk about.
Curse this feeling that lurks in my senses. Curse this mind that knows it all. Curse this heart that feels it all. I wish i am wrong. I really do.... But why am i still weeping? I've been lying to myself..... I have not been true.
Curse this feeling that lurks in my senses. Curse this mind that knows it all. Curse this heart that feels it all. I wish i am wrong. I really do.... But why am i still weeping? I've been lying to myself..... I have not been true.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Of War & Conquest
The way to a guy’s heart is to not be obsessed over the love you have for him. Obsession only leads to confusion and the disorientation of the mind. There is no one true way to catch a guy or gain his attention. Mostly, all guys are different in many a way as women are different from each other. There is no one sure way.
My subject proved that obsession led to her own confusion and thus ending up in a situation most unfavorable to both parties. Often than not, third parties get caught in her squabble and obsession of his love. Over the past 12 months or so, the subject evolved from having a broken heart to leading a life of endless search for care and comfort which eventually turned into a simple combination of love, hate and obsession. After a moment of search, the unsuspecting victim opens the gates to his life to her and allowing himself to be a part of hers. Slowly but surely, the unsuspecting victim is lured into a simple world of like, love and soon to be obsession.
________________________________________________________________________
She eventually stumbled upon a kingdom where their king was to be the love of her life. At the first stage of her conquest, she was tried and tested with many different obstacles. None of which were simple arithmetic. He being king of a prosperous kingdom and her being a simple peasant limited her chances of the long awaited fairytale life with her knight in shining armor. Nonetheless, her first victory saw her triumphant when he was ordered to exile from his very own kingdom. Life gradually became less complicated now that both parties were of the similar stature. A once forbidden love turned into the beginning of a wonderful dream for her.
Not long after he was exiled, he began rebuilding a new kingdom. This new kingdom was protected and served by a handful of knights that remained loyal to him till today. The knights remained true and vowed to protect and serve their king. Defensive of their king, the knights did their utmost to keep their king away from harm. Wanting to be the queen of this new kingdom, she went through books and scriptures in search of ways to gain the love and trust of her king. In views of establishing his new empire, the king however, declined her love for him.
She endlessly remained faithful in hopes of one day the king will see her as the queen of his new kingdom. Failing which, she turned to sorcery and witchcraft. The more she used her newly acquired skills, the more it began to over power her. As each day past, the darkness of her heart grew and her obsession of her once pure love for her king is now a dark obsession to imprison the king and rule his kingdom as her own.
Noticing the change and her intentions, his knights fought and protected him till he ordered her to be exiled from his kingdom and never to return to his land till she saw her ways and changed. Her hatred for the knights grew stronger and stronger as the days past living in exile.
The once hopeful light of a new daybreak has now turned into a new day of plot for revenge. Seeking vengeance, she vowed to rid the knights that once fought for the king and contributed to her exile.
Till this day, his knights stand strong, protecting their king and remained as her adversary, ridding her of her chances to conquer the kingdom of his heart.
_________________________________________________________________________
The subject’s hopes of love care and comfort started out as a normal courtship. However, when things did not turn out the way she had expected, the answer to her equation became more and more complex.
The subject was presented with a riddle of which the answer is as clear as the sky is blue. Till today, she has failed to answer the riddle. Her obsession in getting the answer clouded her mind and made thinking complicated, inconclusive. Neglecting the simple facts that were presented to her and refusing to accept the fact that the answer is in fact that simple, she is determined to proving it otherwise.
The way to a guy’s heart is to not be obsessed over the love you have for him. Obsession only leads to confusion and the disorientation of the mind. There is no one true way to catch a guy or gain his attention. Mostly, all guys are different in many a way as women are different from each other. There is no one sure way.
My subject proved that obsession led to her own confusion and thus ending up in a situation most unfavorable to both parties. Often than not, third parties get caught in her squabble and obsession of his love. Over the past 12 months or so, the subject evolved from having a broken heart to leading a life of endless search for care and comfort which eventually turned into a simple combination of love, hate and obsession. After a moment of search, the unsuspecting victim opens the gates to his life to her and allowing himself to be a part of hers. Slowly but surely, the unsuspecting victim is lured into a simple world of like, love and soon to be obsession.
________________________________________________________________________
She eventually stumbled upon a kingdom where their king was to be the love of her life. At the first stage of her conquest, she was tried and tested with many different obstacles. None of which were simple arithmetic. He being king of a prosperous kingdom and her being a simple peasant limited her chances of the long awaited fairytale life with her knight in shining armor. Nonetheless, her first victory saw her triumphant when he was ordered to exile from his very own kingdom. Life gradually became less complicated now that both parties were of the similar stature. A once forbidden love turned into the beginning of a wonderful dream for her.
Not long after he was exiled, he began rebuilding a new kingdom. This new kingdom was protected and served by a handful of knights that remained loyal to him till today. The knights remained true and vowed to protect and serve their king. Defensive of their king, the knights did their utmost to keep their king away from harm. Wanting to be the queen of this new kingdom, she went through books and scriptures in search of ways to gain the love and trust of her king. In views of establishing his new empire, the king however, declined her love for him.
She endlessly remained faithful in hopes of one day the king will see her as the queen of his new kingdom. Failing which, she turned to sorcery and witchcraft. The more she used her newly acquired skills, the more it began to over power her. As each day past, the darkness of her heart grew and her obsession of her once pure love for her king is now a dark obsession to imprison the king and rule his kingdom as her own.
Noticing the change and her intentions, his knights fought and protected him till he ordered her to be exiled from his kingdom and never to return to his land till she saw her ways and changed. Her hatred for the knights grew stronger and stronger as the days past living in exile.
The once hopeful light of a new daybreak has now turned into a new day of plot for revenge. Seeking vengeance, she vowed to rid the knights that once fought for the king and contributed to her exile.
Till this day, his knights stand strong, protecting their king and remained as her adversary, ridding her of her chances to conquer the kingdom of his heart.
_________________________________________________________________________
The subject’s hopes of love care and comfort started out as a normal courtship. However, when things did not turn out the way she had expected, the answer to her equation became more and more complex.
The subject was presented with a riddle of which the answer is as clear as the sky is blue. Till today, she has failed to answer the riddle. Her obsession in getting the answer clouded her mind and made thinking complicated, inconclusive. Neglecting the simple facts that were presented to her and refusing to accept the fact that the answer is in fact that simple, she is determined to proving it otherwise.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
No regrets
You and i have come a long way.
I don't regret the day i thought of being with you. It remains the same till today. It is kinda strange that i still feel that way about you. Nevertheless, i will never forget what you did to me.
Though the good times still fresh in my memories, there is a piece of it that will forever be stained by your acts of deceive and lies.
No matter how much i see myself being with you or how much i want to be there for you all the time, i know for a fact that there is no way i can be with you long enough to last a relationship.
Odd relationships come and go. You're one of them. Fragile but yet hopeful. Confusing as it is, i've made my choice and right now, my choice is you. I guess you and i, are just meant to be and remain as an odd relationship.
I don't regret the day i thought of being with you. It remains the same till today. It is kinda strange that i still feel that way about you. Nevertheless, i will never forget what you did to me.
Though the good times still fresh in my memories, there is a piece of it that will forever be stained by your acts of deceive and lies.
No matter how much i see myself being with you or how much i want to be there for you all the time, i know for a fact that there is no way i can be with you long enough to last a relationship.
Odd relationships come and go. You're one of them. Fragile but yet hopeful. Confusing as it is, i've made my choice and right now, my choice is you. I guess you and i, are just meant to be and remain as an odd relationship.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Memorable quotes
I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme.
I hate it, I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme.
I hate it, I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Unbelievable
Always said I would know where to find love,
Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough,
But some times I just felt I could give up.
But you came and you changed my whole world now,
I'm somewhere I've never been before.
Now I see, what love means.
[Chorus]
It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.
In my heart, in my head, it's so clear now,
Hold my hand you've got nothing to fear now,
I was lost and you've rescued me some how-.
I'm alive, I'm in love you complete me,
And I've never been here before.
Now I see, what love means.
([Chorus])
When I think of what I have, and this chance I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and cry.
Ohh yeah, break down and cry.
([Chorus])
Now I see, what love means
Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough,
But some times I just felt I could give up.
But you came and you changed my whole world now,
I'm somewhere I've never been before.
Now I see, what love means.
[Chorus]
It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.
In my heart, in my head, it's so clear now,
Hold my hand you've got nothing to fear now,
I was lost and you've rescued me some how-.
I'm alive, I'm in love you complete me,
And I've never been here before.
Now I see, what love means.
([Chorus])
When I think of what I have, and this chance I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and cry.
Ohh yeah, break down and cry.
([Chorus])
Now I see, what love means
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Good god..... I'm so sleepy but i can't seem to fall asleep. This is my second time coming back online since i first decided to go to sleep. I never got to it.... Sheesh.... What exactly is keeping me up? That freaking neslo ice or things in my mind?
The neslo i can understand.. but i am yawning... it doesn't make sense....
Something must be in my head... but what?? Sometimes it really makes you wonder, doesn't it?
I've been too tired to sleep yes.... but this is ridiculous!!!!
The neslo i can understand.. but i am yawning... it doesn't make sense....
Something must be in my head... but what?? Sometimes it really makes you wonder, doesn't it?
I've been too tired to sleep yes.... but this is ridiculous!!!!
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
He’s always on my mind
From the time I wake up till I close my eyes
He’s everywhere I go
He’s all I know
Though he’s so far away
It just keep getting stronger
Everyday
Even now he’s gone
I’m still holding on
So, tell me where do I start cause it’s breaking my heart
Don’t want to let him go
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find their way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
Cause heaven knows
My friends keep telling me
That if you really love him
You got to set him free
If he returns in kind
I’ll know he’s mine
Tell me where do I start
Cause its breaking my heart
Don’t want to let him go
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find their way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
Cause heaven knows
Why I live in despair
Cause wide awake I’m dreaming
I know he’s never there
And all the time I act so brave I’m shaking inside
Why does it hurt me so?
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find their way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
Cause heaven knows
From the time I wake up till I close my eyes
He’s everywhere I go
He’s all I know
Though he’s so far away
It just keep getting stronger
Everyday
Even now he’s gone
I’m still holding on
So, tell me where do I start cause it’s breaking my heart
Don’t want to let him go
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find their way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
Cause heaven knows
My friends keep telling me
That if you really love him
You got to set him free
If he returns in kind
I’ll know he’s mine
Tell me where do I start
Cause its breaking my heart
Don’t want to let him go
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find their way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
Cause heaven knows
Why I live in despair
Cause wide awake I’m dreaming
I know he’s never there
And all the time I act so brave I’m shaking inside
Why does it hurt me so?
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find their way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
Cause heaven knows
I've waited patiently...... I stood by myself loving and caring for you.... I ask for nothing more than a thought of me once in a while or a special smile. I've waited long and hard and i think it's time i stop. I think it's time to leave and cease thinking about you. I chose to forget and so it begins.
I've never lied to you nor have i not trusted you. Never have i stopped loving nor caring for you. I've been standing in your shadows long enough and its time i fade away. You knew i will always be there for you. If ever you call, i'll still be there. My eternal promise to you.
I can no longer endure your everlasting ignorance nor can i endure you taking advantage of me. I remember clearly who you are.... Really i do. I never forgot who you are and i think i never will. That is why, and sad to say, I have to leave and tell this lie. I told you once that i will just one day fade out and eventually disappear from your life. If ever you remember me, it'll be too late. I am no longer around.
It is clear where i should go and what i should do. I miss you and i love you. I've tried, i tried really hard. It is never easy for me and it will never be. To say i don't remember you and walk away. And it wasn't easy for me either with you ignoring me all these time and pretended i didn't exist.
Now that i'm gone. Maybe you'll finally think of me and remember me. Or maybe i'll just fade and disappear without you even noticing.
I've never lied to you nor have i not trusted you. Never have i stopped loving nor caring for you. I've been standing in your shadows long enough and its time i fade away. You knew i will always be there for you. If ever you call, i'll still be there. My eternal promise to you.
I can no longer endure your everlasting ignorance nor can i endure you taking advantage of me. I remember clearly who you are.... Really i do. I never forgot who you are and i think i never will. That is why, and sad to say, I have to leave and tell this lie. I told you once that i will just one day fade out and eventually disappear from your life. If ever you remember me, it'll be too late. I am no longer around.
It is clear where i should go and what i should do. I miss you and i love you. I've tried, i tried really hard. It is never easy for me and it will never be. To say i don't remember you and walk away. And it wasn't easy for me either with you ignoring me all these time and pretended i didn't exist.
Now that i'm gone. Maybe you'll finally think of me and remember me. Or maybe i'll just fade and disappear without you even noticing.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
What does it mean by moving on?
Once again, just when i managed to stop thinking about you, someone mentions you. Everything just comes back. I really don't want to think about you anymore. I want to stop missing you. I want to forget...... I really want to not have anything to do with you. I chose not to be around you anymore..... I love you and i miss you... But i can't be around you anymore.
Choices are hard to make. I've made my choice. I can't love someone who does not even know how i feel. I can't love someone who does not think about me. I can't love someone who does not miss me.
Loving you has never been harder. I want so much to be there for you but i can't. I really don't know how to go on....
Choices are hard to make. I've made my choice. I can't love someone who does not even know how i feel. I can't love someone who does not think about me. I can't love someone who does not miss me.
Loving you has never been harder. I want so much to be there for you but i can't. I really don't know how to go on....
Sunday, December 11, 2005
A little time spent together....
After a while of not being able to see or talk to you for no apparent reason...... I am glad that i finally had some time with you alone. Not much has been said in the 5 hours.... but the eyes and smiles were enough to make it a great day...... Haven't really felt so easily contented in a while. Everything was simple as it was.... just a movie and some extra time to walk around looking for Christmas decorations. It's true that time flies when you are having fun. I did! I enjoyed myself truly..... No regrets... No complains..... Just a good 5 hours worth of smiles, jokes and laughs.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Still believe you'll walk through my door.... I miss you...
Hey, thought i'd tell you what was on my mind the past few days. I can't believe that i am still so in love with you. I've tried so many ways to forget and of course, i did not succeed. While you were in a relationship, i learned how to let you go but still i love you. I learn to tell myself that i should be happy for you that you have someone you love by your side and that made you happy. Seeing you happy makes me happy but i still love you. I successfully accepted and respected the both of you being my friends and of course the both of you being a couple. I was actually happy for the both of you. And i became friends with her as well. Again. Everything was solid till someone stepped in. I tried my very best to see you safe and cherish your relationship with her as much as possible. Honestly, i still love you but i rather see you with her than anyone else. I really did not want you to throw everything away just like that. She is after all a very nice person. Both she and i know that there is nothing we can do to stop you from doing whatever you want to do. That is why i was around to keep you safe and reminded. I love you too much to see you hurt her. I love you too much to see you throw away a perfectly good relationship. From the heart, as soon as i know that i cannot have you for myself no matter how hard i try, i realise that i have given up chasing but i still love you.
Yes, at times of need and care i wished you would be the one who would be there for me. But in all honesty, you were only there once. The time when i needed you most. The time when i needed a shoulder to cry on. You were there. The other times i wouldn't say because you just weren't there. Everytime i cry when i was all alone with no one to turn to. Up until today, you are still the first person i think of when things happen to me whether good or bad.
I never really understood why with just one smile i can be contented. You know how to put a smile on my face. I hate you for that, but i still love you. Everytime i see you smile, i can't help it but smile. I guess, that is all i wanted, all i needed.
But in all honesty, there is nothing i see in future with you right now. It would be perfect if you grew up and still care for me the same way you do now. But somehow, i just miss you a lot. Maybe leaving will be a good idea. Letting go was never easy. I've never expected something like this could happen. I have tried letting go for almost 3 times now. Finally, it worked. But something else had to change things. Just when i was adapted to the new change, something changes again. The adaptation is never ending. Hate is when that happens. Sometimes i wished i did not have a heart. I wished i did not know what love is. I wished so much just to be happy. I am... but there is no one to share it with. What's the use of all the success if you don't have anyone to share it with?
That is something i will not understand... my heart. Sometimes i wished you will somehow walk back into my life but part of me in all rationality tells me that i am not the one he loves. Why? I ask myself why do i still love someone so much just to find out the feeling is not mutual? Why?
Will you still walk through my door? I really missed you.....
That is something that i would really want to tell him right now. Right this moment. But i can't. There is never a right time for me to tell him anything. Timing is a bitch when it comes to talking to him about things like these. Will there ever be a time for me to ever tell him all that is in my heart? Is it worth it?
Yes, at times of need and care i wished you would be the one who would be there for me. But in all honesty, you were only there once. The time when i needed you most. The time when i needed a shoulder to cry on. You were there. The other times i wouldn't say because you just weren't there. Everytime i cry when i was all alone with no one to turn to. Up until today, you are still the first person i think of when things happen to me whether good or bad.
I never really understood why with just one smile i can be contented. You know how to put a smile on my face. I hate you for that, but i still love you. Everytime i see you smile, i can't help it but smile. I guess, that is all i wanted, all i needed.
But in all honesty, there is nothing i see in future with you right now. It would be perfect if you grew up and still care for me the same way you do now. But somehow, i just miss you a lot. Maybe leaving will be a good idea. Letting go was never easy. I've never expected something like this could happen. I have tried letting go for almost 3 times now. Finally, it worked. But something else had to change things. Just when i was adapted to the new change, something changes again. The adaptation is never ending. Hate is when that happens. Sometimes i wished i did not have a heart. I wished i did not know what love is. I wished so much just to be happy. I am... but there is no one to share it with. What's the use of all the success if you don't have anyone to share it with?
That is something i will not understand... my heart. Sometimes i wished you will somehow walk back into my life but part of me in all rationality tells me that i am not the one he loves. Why? I ask myself why do i still love someone so much just to find out the feeling is not mutual? Why?
Will you still walk through my door? I really missed you.....
That is something that i would really want to tell him right now. Right this moment. But i can't. There is never a right time for me to tell him anything. Timing is a bitch when it comes to talking to him about things like these. Will there ever be a time for me to ever tell him all that is in my heart? Is it worth it?
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
I do not understand......
Hearing the news that she has broken up with him STILL came to me as a shock even though i already knew what she was going to do 3 weeks ago. Nontheless, i was speechless. Maybe it's because i was thinking about him at that time. I wondered, how he is and how he would've have taken the news. The instant i heard that he was crying, a small tear shed from my eyes. I wanted so much to call him and comfort him and let him know that i am there for him. But, i was to pretend that i knew nothing about it till he tells me.
Not long after that, he came online. I saw his broken heart and asked casually if he was alright. He told me the whole thing. That she left him for another guy. There i was thinking, she wouldn't do such a thing. She told me she knew how it felt like and she would never do such things to him.
Later, i spoke to her and yes. She finally told me the truth. She had another guy. In an instant, i thought, what a bitch. Lying once before and now...... I was speechless for a second or two. I was not angry at all for what she has done. I doubt i knew what was going on in my head let alone my heart. But they both tell me that i shouldn't be angry at her for her actions and not to hate her. I did not know why.
I have felt the immense pain of having someone take someone away from me. And she was the one who did it. And now here she is, doing it again to another girl who was in a 8 years relationship. I was thinking to myself.... What is she trying to do? Doesn't she understand the pain?
The only thing my heart is telling me to do is i should congratulate her with all my heart and be happy for her. But at the same time, warn her that if that guy can leave a 8 years relationship, anything can happen between them now.
The thing that i do not understand is, how come i am not mad at her? And why am i being so calm about all this? The fact that i kept telling her that i understand and i do not hate her confuses me more.
Do i really understand how she feels and at the same time understand the pain that she has caused the girl and him? Am i turning into a "i've experienced it and i understand" kinda person to the extend of forgiving everything that has gone wrong? Or am i going mad?
Not long after that, he came online. I saw his broken heart and asked casually if he was alright. He told me the whole thing. That she left him for another guy. There i was thinking, she wouldn't do such a thing. She told me she knew how it felt like and she would never do such things to him.
Later, i spoke to her and yes. She finally told me the truth. She had another guy. In an instant, i thought, what a bitch. Lying once before and now...... I was speechless for a second or two. I was not angry at all for what she has done. I doubt i knew what was going on in my head let alone my heart. But they both tell me that i shouldn't be angry at her for her actions and not to hate her. I did not know why.
I have felt the immense pain of having someone take someone away from me. And she was the one who did it. And now here she is, doing it again to another girl who was in a 8 years relationship. I was thinking to myself.... What is she trying to do? Doesn't she understand the pain?
The only thing my heart is telling me to do is i should congratulate her with all my heart and be happy for her. But at the same time, warn her that if that guy can leave a 8 years relationship, anything can happen between them now.
The thing that i do not understand is, how come i am not mad at her? And why am i being so calm about all this? The fact that i kept telling her that i understand and i do not hate her confuses me more.
Do i really understand how she feels and at the same time understand the pain that she has caused the girl and him? Am i turning into a "i've experienced it and i understand" kinda person to the extend of forgiving everything that has gone wrong? Or am i going mad?
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
What have i done?
Feeling of disappointment and depression is building up in me.... I am begining to doubt if my intentions of helping you was really worth it.... and it is still right? Have i lost my mind to indecisions?
I wish i could still tell you how much i love you. I know i can't and i have no right to share this love with you.
Thorn between being a friend and an individual... i am trapped in my own game. A game that shouldn't have started. If only i let you be... if only i let you go. Knowing i can do something.. knowing that i have the power to shed you from all this... i couldn't stand by and not do anything.
Perhaps my actions were wrong in the first place. Maybe you did want to have your way. Maybe you are not who i thought you were. Once again, my intuition was wrong. Clouded by my heart's judgement. Blinded by the love for the one i love. I guess it was just not my place and duty to be protecting you. Maybe GOD put me in this position to make me realise that i am NOT the one who is placed next to him to shed him from all these. I always believe.... GOD has his reasons for doing things. Yes, i do believe in that.
No matter how much i try..... no matter what i do.... it just does not ammount to the love i have for him. Perhaps the best way to help you, is to let you be on your own.. with me out of the picture. Yes.... i like being with you. I like the way you make me smile. But i have shed an equal amount of tears in the process.
I begin to question myself if all this is worth it. In an instant, i will answer yes. Because this is all that i can do. Perhaps my biggest down fall is that i care to much. I must learn to be more persistant in setting my boundaries. Even in helping him.
It was never easy being around him. Yes, i have a lot of interesting and enjoyable moments with him. But just being able to tell him how much i still care for him kills me. I made a mistake in the past and i am paying for it. It was one mistake that is eating me alive and one that i will not forget. It is true... as long as i have him around, i will never come out of this deep hole that i have fallen in. As long as i have him around, i will never see the light that is shining on the rope. The very rope that leads to the top of the hole.
Why does life have to be so difficult? Yes.... no one said life was easy... Definitely not easy when you have more than one person in it. Everything you do or say may or may not effect the people around you. I remember that very question, "is being an adult more complicated than being a child". That is a definite yes!!!
But i have to look at myself too... i have made yet another mistake. I betrayed my friends and the people i care for. I failed to consider and failed to be in control. Falling once again is just going to make me stronger. However, before i stand again, i have to be able to gather the strength to stand up.
I know i should not be blaming myself for all that has happened.... Perhaps i did not make so much of a mistake. But what i do know is.... I already made a mistake. Any mistake, big or small... is already a good reason for me to stop and think. Think... it is something that i have been overlooking.
Blocking what other people tell me is not going to help. But too much of information..... too many things to do.... to many things to decide. Make me feel... am i worthy? Did i make the mistake? I know i made a huge mistake!!!
No one is going to help me solve this problem. No one is going to be there when i fall. But what i do know is.... I have my conscience to be my guide. But even with my conscience guiding me.... My intentions may be the very thing that is clouding my conscience leading to my judgement.
I am not such a good friend as i thought i was. Maybe i should leave this people and find another place with another group of people to start afresh. No matter how or what they are telling me about people do make mistakes, i still have my guilt and conscience to answer to. I cannot let things be like this anymore.
Does leaving mean i am giving up on my friends once again? Does it mean that i do not appreciate my friends? Am i going to make things worst? Does is mean that i am giving in and facing defeat? or Does it mean doing the right thing?
Is there another way to make this work. I know.... no matter what i decide, nothing will be the same and nothing in my life will ever be the same again. It is something that i have brought upon myself and i blame no one but myself. Life couldn't be any easier...... It is just part of life.... its vicious... and its a cycle. There is no end.... there is no begining.... "It ends, it begins"
I wish i could still tell you how much i love you. I know i can't and i have no right to share this love with you.
Thorn between being a friend and an individual... i am trapped in my own game. A game that shouldn't have started. If only i let you be... if only i let you go. Knowing i can do something.. knowing that i have the power to shed you from all this... i couldn't stand by and not do anything.
Perhaps my actions were wrong in the first place. Maybe you did want to have your way. Maybe you are not who i thought you were. Once again, my intuition was wrong. Clouded by my heart's judgement. Blinded by the love for the one i love. I guess it was just not my place and duty to be protecting you. Maybe GOD put me in this position to make me realise that i am NOT the one who is placed next to him to shed him from all these. I always believe.... GOD has his reasons for doing things. Yes, i do believe in that.
No matter how much i try..... no matter what i do.... it just does not ammount to the love i have for him. Perhaps the best way to help you, is to let you be on your own.. with me out of the picture. Yes.... i like being with you. I like the way you make me smile. But i have shed an equal amount of tears in the process.
I begin to question myself if all this is worth it. In an instant, i will answer yes. Because this is all that i can do. Perhaps my biggest down fall is that i care to much. I must learn to be more persistant in setting my boundaries. Even in helping him.
It was never easy being around him. Yes, i have a lot of interesting and enjoyable moments with him. But just being able to tell him how much i still care for him kills me. I made a mistake in the past and i am paying for it. It was one mistake that is eating me alive and one that i will not forget. It is true... as long as i have him around, i will never come out of this deep hole that i have fallen in. As long as i have him around, i will never see the light that is shining on the rope. The very rope that leads to the top of the hole.
Why does life have to be so difficult? Yes.... no one said life was easy... Definitely not easy when you have more than one person in it. Everything you do or say may or may not effect the people around you. I remember that very question, "is being an adult more complicated than being a child". That is a definite yes!!!
But i have to look at myself too... i have made yet another mistake. I betrayed my friends and the people i care for. I failed to consider and failed to be in control. Falling once again is just going to make me stronger. However, before i stand again, i have to be able to gather the strength to stand up.
I know i should not be blaming myself for all that has happened.... Perhaps i did not make so much of a mistake. But what i do know is.... I already made a mistake. Any mistake, big or small... is already a good reason for me to stop and think. Think... it is something that i have been overlooking.
Blocking what other people tell me is not going to help. But too much of information..... too many things to do.... to many things to decide. Make me feel... am i worthy? Did i make the mistake? I know i made a huge mistake!!!
No one is going to help me solve this problem. No one is going to be there when i fall. But what i do know is.... I have my conscience to be my guide. But even with my conscience guiding me.... My intentions may be the very thing that is clouding my conscience leading to my judgement.
I am not such a good friend as i thought i was. Maybe i should leave this people and find another place with another group of people to start afresh. No matter how or what they are telling me about people do make mistakes, i still have my guilt and conscience to answer to. I cannot let things be like this anymore.
Does leaving mean i am giving up on my friends once again? Does it mean that i do not appreciate my friends? Am i going to make things worst? Does is mean that i am giving in and facing defeat? or Does it mean doing the right thing?
Is there another way to make this work. I know.... no matter what i decide, nothing will be the same and nothing in my life will ever be the same again. It is something that i have brought upon myself and i blame no one but myself. Life couldn't be any easier...... It is just part of life.... its vicious... and its a cycle. There is no end.... there is no begining.... "It ends, it begins"
Sunday, October 16, 2005
An EXPERIENCE to REMEMBER!!!
15th October 2005, Saturday
SSWE....
2.30pm.... Registered and signed in for the day..... got our uniforms.... gosh!!! First look at the uniforms... and they were going like..... "Horrible looking things"..... I didn't think much of the uniforms... but what do you expect for a casual worker??
In the locker room.... Nothing less than "I look ridiculous in this!!..... I am not going to be seen in this outfit"... To me... Oh well.... You are on a compulsory assignment... You have no choice. That is what being in this industry is all about.... You want to learn, you start low.....
3.00pm.... Got changed and went to the training room.... Signed in for the job....
3.30pm.... Met Encik Shamil... Got the low down from him for our grooming. I do agree with him about the other's grooming... Ladies, we are here to put on a fashion show nor be pretty. We are here to serve. Coloured bra, loose accessories, fringe all over the face. Nice to look at but not presentable. Got permission to leave the premise to acquire the proper groooming materials.
4.30pm.... Well groomed.... Back to the exhibition hall for our tour of the hall and where things were.
5.10pm... Break time for the non muslim's. Down to the cafeteria. With the afternoon serving left and the evening dishes not out, it was the only thing we had. No choice. What is there to complain about? Yes, it's cold and tasteless but you have to eat! I didn't like it either but come on, one meal like that won't kill you. Talk about survival skills??!!! Where on earth are your sense of reality girls??
5.40pm.... Back to the hall for the final briefing.... Divided to groups. I was under Encik Shamsul. Nice guy. Very pleasent. I had a good time working with him. There was another 2 males and 3 females, all permenant staff.
6.30pm.... Time to start running and getting ready. Drinks to be poured and cutlery's to be checked and plates to be inspected.
7.00pm.... Sound of the gong signified the starting of the Ramadhan Buffet. Guests to be seated and pelita to be lit. Tray jacks to be brought out and the serving begins.
9.00pm.... As soon as the guests started leaving for the night, the only left to do was to clear all remaining soiled plates, goblets and cutlery.
9.00pm.... Reseted the table for the following night.... I alone set 26 pax.... Not bad for a first timer..... =)
SSWE....
2.30pm.... Registered and signed in for the day..... got our uniforms.... gosh!!! First look at the uniforms... and they were going like..... "Horrible looking things"..... I didn't think much of the uniforms... but what do you expect for a casual worker??
In the locker room.... Nothing less than "I look ridiculous in this!!..... I am not going to be seen in this outfit"... To me... Oh well.... You are on a compulsory assignment... You have no choice. That is what being in this industry is all about.... You want to learn, you start low.....
3.00pm.... Got changed and went to the training room.... Signed in for the job....
3.30pm.... Met Encik Shamil... Got the low down from him for our grooming. I do agree with him about the other's grooming... Ladies, we are here to put on a fashion show nor be pretty. We are here to serve. Coloured bra, loose accessories, fringe all over the face. Nice to look at but not presentable. Got permission to leave the premise to acquire the proper groooming materials.
4.30pm.... Well groomed.... Back to the exhibition hall for our tour of the hall and where things were.
5.10pm... Break time for the non muslim's. Down to the cafeteria. With the afternoon serving left and the evening dishes not out, it was the only thing we had. No choice. What is there to complain about? Yes, it's cold and tasteless but you have to eat! I didn't like it either but come on, one meal like that won't kill you. Talk about survival skills??!!! Where on earth are your sense of reality girls??
5.40pm.... Back to the hall for the final briefing.... Divided to groups. I was under Encik Shamsul. Nice guy. Very pleasent. I had a good time working with him. There was another 2 males and 3 females, all permenant staff.
6.30pm.... Time to start running and getting ready. Drinks to be poured and cutlery's to be checked and plates to be inspected.
7.00pm.... Sound of the gong signified the starting of the Ramadhan Buffet. Guests to be seated and pelita to be lit. Tray jacks to be brought out and the serving begins.
9.00pm.... As soon as the guests started leaving for the night, the only left to do was to clear all remaining soiled plates, goblets and cutlery.
9.00pm.... Reseted the table for the following night.... I alone set 26 pax.... Not bad for a first timer..... =)
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Disappointed in you.......
I can't help but to think that you've begining to leave me out once again.... This has happened before and it's begining to seem way too familiar. The last time you acted this way..... it marked the end of our relationship. I wonder what is going to happen now.... when we are not in a relationship..... end of friendship?? Perhaps.....
I can't help but to think that i will lose you all over again. I ask myself why did we ever know each other in the first place. I ask myself.... why did you ever come in to my life. Why allow us to come together time after time and never having us together??
I thought i've decided to let things go. But why does it always have to be easier said than done? Isn't there an easier way to deal with this kind of matters? Yes yes... such as life.... the ironies are endless....
I know i am not perfect... I know i never will be.... Part of me wished i hit you harder but part of me now wished i didn't have the chance to hit you at all. At least for now, i wished i had nothing to do with you anymore. You would be happier... Perhaps. I used to be able to read you. Not anymore. I've lost it.... Lost it all.... Why?
I can't help but to think that i will lose you all over again. I ask myself why did we ever know each other in the first place. I ask myself.... why did you ever come in to my life. Why allow us to come together time after time and never having us together??
I thought i've decided to let things go. But why does it always have to be easier said than done? Isn't there an easier way to deal with this kind of matters? Yes yes... such as life.... the ironies are endless....
I know i am not perfect... I know i never will be.... Part of me wished i hit you harder but part of me now wished i didn't have the chance to hit you at all. At least for now, i wished i had nothing to do with you anymore. You would be happier... Perhaps. I used to be able to read you. Not anymore. I've lost it.... Lost it all.... Why?
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Thinking too much?? Perhaps.....
His message to me,
"I have a little angel flying around with a hammer, each person he hits gets a little bit of my luv.... i hope he beats u up like crazy... =p"
My reply,
"I caught your poor lil angel and imprisoned it. Gonna make him my minnion n he's coming you way... to hit u so hard u won't 4get he was sent by me!"
His reply,
"Hmm... i guess this person knows that u want him to be hit real hard. What can he say except he has been hit but not hard enough the last time. I guess he's a jackass"
My reply,
"I don't think its him being a jackass.. my angel has trouble with his hitting skills. Happens when he doesn't use it often. Maybe he needs more training"
After this round of messages, i was more than happy. Happy to find out that i actually got his love for a moment. Just for a moment. Nevertheless... there is always a reminder.... He is no longer there for me.... No matter what happens to me... There is no assurance that he'll be there for me. Hopes and faith is not going to get me anywhere when he is concerned.... From the heart.... a lil bit of it still has his name written all over it.
Sometimes, i do fool myself into believing that he will somehow, someday come back to me. As soon as i awake from this wishful fantasy, i know that now, he belongs to someone else. No matter what, at this present moment, that feeling still lingers. Once in a while, it'll emerge and send a strain of emotions down my spine. My heart grows fond.
Yes, it might seem silly and naive. As if indulging in a childish fantasy. I beg to differ...... It has not been easy for me.... and i will say, it is still not easy for me to surpress those feelings. Nevertheless, i've learnt a very important lesson.... "If you truly love that someone, you would want to see them happy. If you want to see that someone happy, you have to let go"... That is how it is now for me...... Can't say i am entirely happy... but part of me is while the other part is trying to supress those feelings.
If he only knew, every look, every smile, every hug, every kiss, every word, every smell, every glance, every stare...... brings back a lot of memories. Sweet memories that will lie deep within me. He may not be around for me anymore but a piece of him still remains in my mind, in my heart.
"I have a little angel flying around with a hammer, each person he hits gets a little bit of my luv.... i hope he beats u up like crazy... =p"
My reply,
"I caught your poor lil angel and imprisoned it. Gonna make him my minnion n he's coming you way... to hit u so hard u won't 4get he was sent by me!"
His reply,
"Hmm... i guess this person knows that u want him to be hit real hard. What can he say except he has been hit but not hard enough the last time. I guess he's a jackass"
My reply,
"I don't think its him being a jackass.. my angel has trouble with his hitting skills. Happens when he doesn't use it often. Maybe he needs more training"
After this round of messages, i was more than happy. Happy to find out that i actually got his love for a moment. Just for a moment. Nevertheless... there is always a reminder.... He is no longer there for me.... No matter what happens to me... There is no assurance that he'll be there for me. Hopes and faith is not going to get me anywhere when he is concerned.... From the heart.... a lil bit of it still has his name written all over it.
Sometimes, i do fool myself into believing that he will somehow, someday come back to me. As soon as i awake from this wishful fantasy, i know that now, he belongs to someone else. No matter what, at this present moment, that feeling still lingers. Once in a while, it'll emerge and send a strain of emotions down my spine. My heart grows fond.
Yes, it might seem silly and naive. As if indulging in a childish fantasy. I beg to differ...... It has not been easy for me.... and i will say, it is still not easy for me to surpress those feelings. Nevertheless, i've learnt a very important lesson.... "If you truly love that someone, you would want to see them happy. If you want to see that someone happy, you have to let go"... That is how it is now for me...... Can't say i am entirely happy... but part of me is while the other part is trying to supress those feelings.
If he only knew, every look, every smile, every hug, every kiss, every word, every smell, every glance, every stare...... brings back a lot of memories. Sweet memories that will lie deep within me. He may not be around for me anymore but a piece of him still remains in my mind, in my heart.
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