Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Still believe you'll walk through my door.... I miss you...

Hey, thought i'd tell you what was on my mind the past few days. I can't believe that i am still so in love with you. I've tried so many ways to forget and of course, i did not succeed. While you were in a relationship, i learned how to let you go but still i love you. I learn to tell myself that i should be happy for you that you have someone you love by your side and that made you happy. Seeing you happy makes me happy but i still love you. I successfully accepted and respected the both of you being my friends and of course the both of you being a couple. I was actually happy for the both of you. And i became friends with her as well. Again. Everything was solid till someone stepped in. I tried my very best to see you safe and cherish your relationship with her as much as possible. Honestly, i still love you but i rather see you with her than anyone else. I really did not want you to throw everything away just like that. She is after all a very nice person. Both she and i know that there is nothing we can do to stop you from doing whatever you want to do. That is why i was around to keep you safe and reminded. I love you too much to see you hurt her. I love you too much to see you throw away a perfectly good relationship. From the heart, as soon as i know that i cannot have you for myself no matter how hard i try, i realise that i have given up chasing but i still love you.
Yes, at times of need and care i wished you would be the one who would be there for me. But in all honesty, you were only there once. The time when i needed you most. The time when i needed a shoulder to cry on. You were there. The other times i wouldn't say because you just weren't there. Everytime i cry when i was all alone with no one to turn to. Up until today, you are still the first person i think of when things happen to me whether good or bad.
I never really understood why with just one smile i can be contented. You know how to put a smile on my face. I hate you for that, but i still love you. Everytime i see you smile, i can't help it but smile. I guess, that is all i wanted, all i needed.

But in all honesty, there is nothing i see in future with you right now. It would be perfect if you grew up and still care for me the same way you do now. But somehow, i just miss you a lot. Maybe leaving will be a good idea. Letting go was never easy. I've never expected something like this could happen. I have tried letting go for almost 3 times now. Finally, it worked. But something else had to change things. Just when i was adapted to the new change, something changes again. The adaptation is never ending. Hate is when that happens. Sometimes i wished i did not have a heart. I wished i did not know what love is. I wished so much just to be happy. I am... but there is no one to share it with. What's the use of all the success if you don't have anyone to share it with?
That is something i will not understand... my heart. Sometimes i wished you will somehow walk back into my life but part of me in all rationality tells me that i am not the one he loves. Why? I ask myself why do i still love someone so much just to find out the feeling is not mutual? Why?
Will you still walk through my door? I really missed you.....
That is something that i would really want to tell him right now. Right this moment. But i can't. There is never a right time for me to tell him anything. Timing is a bitch when it comes to talking to him about things like these. Will there ever be a time for me to ever tell him all that is in my heart? Is it worth it?

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