Wednesday, December 28, 2005

He’s always on my mind
From the time I wake up till I close my eyes
He’s everywhere I go
He’s all I know
Though he’s so far away
It just keep getting stronger
Even now he’s gone
I’m still holding on
So, tell me where do I start cause it’s breaking my heart
Don’t want to let him go
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find their way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
Cause heaven knows
My friends keep telling me
That if you really love him
You got to set him free
If he returns in kind
I’ll know he’s mine
Tell me where do I start
Cause its breaking my heart
Don’t want to let him go
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find their way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
Cause heaven knows
Why I live in despair
Cause wide awake I’m dreaming
I know he’s never there
And all the time I act so brave I’m shaking inside
Why does it hurt me so?
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find their way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
Cause heaven knows
I've waited patiently...... I stood by myself loving and caring for you.... I ask for nothing more than a thought of me once in a while or a special smile. I've waited long and hard and i think it's time i stop. I think it's time to leave and cease thinking about you. I chose to forget and so it begins.
I've never lied to you nor have i not trusted you. Never have i stopped loving nor caring for you. I've been standing in your shadows long enough and its time i fade away. You knew i will always be there for you. If ever you call, i'll still be there. My eternal promise to you.
I can no longer endure your everlasting ignorance nor can i endure you taking advantage of me. I remember clearly who you are.... Really i do. I never forgot who you are and i think i never will. That is why, and sad to say, I have to leave and tell this lie. I told you once that i will just one day fade out and eventually disappear from your life. If ever you remember me, it'll be too late. I am no longer around.
It is clear where i should go and what i should do. I miss you and i love you. I've tried, i tried really hard. It is never easy for me and it will never be. To say i don't remember you and walk away. And it wasn't easy for me either with you ignoring me all these time and pretended i didn't exist.
Now that i'm gone. Maybe you'll finally think of me and remember me. Or maybe i'll just fade and disappear without you even noticing.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

What does it mean by moving on?

Once again, just when i managed to stop thinking about you, someone mentions you. Everything just comes back. I really don't want to think about you anymore. I want to stop missing you. I want to forget...... I really want to not have anything to do with you. I chose not to be around you anymore..... I love you and i miss you... But i can't be around you anymore.

Choices are hard to make. I've made my choice. I can't love someone who does not even know how i feel. I can't love someone who does not think about me. I can't love someone who does not miss me.

Loving you has never been harder. I want so much to be there for you but i can't. I really don't know how to go on....

Sunday, December 11, 2005

A little time spent together....

After a while of not being able to see or talk to you for no apparent reason...... I am glad that i finally had some time with you alone. Not much has been said in the 5 hours.... but the eyes and smiles were enough to make it a great day...... Haven't really felt so easily contented in a while. Everything was simple as it was.... just a movie and some extra time to walk around looking for Christmas decorations. It's true that time flies when you are having fun. I did! I enjoyed myself truly..... No regrets... No complains..... Just a good 5 hours worth of smiles, jokes and laughs.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Still believe you'll walk through my door.... I miss you...

Hey, thought i'd tell you what was on my mind the past few days. I can't believe that i am still so in love with you. I've tried so many ways to forget and of course, i did not succeed. While you were in a relationship, i learned how to let you go but still i love you. I learn to tell myself that i should be happy for you that you have someone you love by your side and that made you happy. Seeing you happy makes me happy but i still love you. I successfully accepted and respected the both of you being my friends and of course the both of you being a couple. I was actually happy for the both of you. And i became friends with her as well. Again. Everything was solid till someone stepped in. I tried my very best to see you safe and cherish your relationship with her as much as possible. Honestly, i still love you but i rather see you with her than anyone else. I really did not want you to throw everything away just like that. She is after all a very nice person. Both she and i know that there is nothing we can do to stop you from doing whatever you want to do. That is why i was around to keep you safe and reminded. I love you too much to see you hurt her. I love you too much to see you throw away a perfectly good relationship. From the heart, as soon as i know that i cannot have you for myself no matter how hard i try, i realise that i have given up chasing but i still love you.
Yes, at times of need and care i wished you would be the one who would be there for me. But in all honesty, you were only there once. The time when i needed you most. The time when i needed a shoulder to cry on. You were there. The other times i wouldn't say because you just weren't there. Everytime i cry when i was all alone with no one to turn to. Up until today, you are still the first person i think of when things happen to me whether good or bad.
I never really understood why with just one smile i can be contented. You know how to put a smile on my face. I hate you for that, but i still love you. Everytime i see you smile, i can't help it but smile. I guess, that is all i wanted, all i needed.

But in all honesty, there is nothing i see in future with you right now. It would be perfect if you grew up and still care for me the same way you do now. But somehow, i just miss you a lot. Maybe leaving will be a good idea. Letting go was never easy. I've never expected something like this could happen. I have tried letting go for almost 3 times now. Finally, it worked. But something else had to change things. Just when i was adapted to the new change, something changes again. The adaptation is never ending. Hate is when that happens. Sometimes i wished i did not have a heart. I wished i did not know what love is. I wished so much just to be happy. I am... but there is no one to share it with. What's the use of all the success if you don't have anyone to share it with?
That is something i will not understand... my heart. Sometimes i wished you will somehow walk back into my life but part of me in all rationality tells me that i am not the one he loves. Why? I ask myself why do i still love someone so much just to find out the feeling is not mutual? Why?
Will you still walk through my door? I really missed you.....
That is something that i would really want to tell him right now. Right this moment. But i can't. There is never a right time for me to tell him anything. Timing is a bitch when it comes to talking to him about things like these. Will there ever be a time for me to ever tell him all that is in my heart? Is it worth it?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I do not understand......

Hearing the news that she has broken up with him STILL came to me as a shock even though i already knew what she was going to do 3 weeks ago. Nontheless, i was speechless. Maybe it's because i was thinking about him at that time. I wondered, how he is and how he would've have taken the news. The instant i heard that he was crying, a small tear shed from my eyes. I wanted so much to call him and comfort him and let him know that i am there for him. But, i was to pretend that i knew nothing about it till he tells me.
Not long after that, he came online. I saw his broken heart and asked casually if he was alright. He told me the whole thing. That she left him for another guy. There i was thinking, she wouldn't do such a thing. She told me she knew how it felt like and she would never do such things to him.
Later, i spoke to her and yes. She finally told me the truth. She had another guy. In an instant, i thought, what a bitch. Lying once before and now...... I was speechless for a second or two. I was not angry at all for what she has done. I doubt i knew what was going on in my head let alone my heart. But they both tell me that i shouldn't be angry at her for her actions and not to hate her. I did not know why.

I have felt the immense pain of having someone take someone away from me. And she was the one who did it. And now here she is, doing it again to another girl who was in a 8 years relationship. I was thinking to myself.... What is she trying to do? Doesn't she understand the pain?

The only thing my heart is telling me to do is i should congratulate her with all my heart and be happy for her. But at the same time, warn her that if that guy can leave a 8 years relationship, anything can happen between them now.

The thing that i do not understand is, how come i am not mad at her? And why am i being so calm about all this? The fact that i kept telling her that i understand and i do not hate her confuses me more.

Do i really understand how she feels and at the same time understand the pain that she has caused the girl and him? Am i turning into a "i've experienced it and i understand" kinda person to the extend of forgiving everything that has gone wrong? Or am i going mad?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

What have i done?

Feeling of disappointment and depression is building up in me.... I am begining to doubt if my intentions of helping you was really worth it.... and it is still right? Have i lost my mind to indecisions?

I wish i could still tell you how much i love you. I know i can't and i have no right to share this love with you.

Thorn between being a friend and an individual... i am trapped in my own game. A game that shouldn't have started. If only i let you be... if only i let you go. Knowing i can do something.. knowing that i have the power to shed you from all this... i couldn't stand by and not do anything.

Perhaps my actions were wrong in the first place. Maybe you did want to have your way. Maybe you are not who i thought you were. Once again, my intuition was wrong. Clouded by my heart's judgement. Blinded by the love for the one i love. I guess it was just not my place and duty to be protecting you. Maybe GOD put me in this position to make me realise that i am NOT the one who is placed next to him to shed him from all these. I always believe.... GOD has his reasons for doing things. Yes, i do believe in that.

No matter how much i try..... no matter what i do.... it just does not ammount to the love i have for him. Perhaps the best way to help you, is to let you be on your own.. with me out of the picture. Yes.... i like being with you. I like the way you make me smile. But i have shed an equal amount of tears in the process.

I begin to question myself if all this is worth it. In an instant, i will answer yes. Because this is all that i can do. Perhaps my biggest down fall is that i care to much. I must learn to be more persistant in setting my boundaries. Even in helping him.

It was never easy being around him. Yes, i have a lot of interesting and enjoyable moments with him. But just being able to tell him how much i still care for him kills me. I made a mistake in the past and i am paying for it. It was one mistake that is eating me alive and one that i will not forget. It is true... as long as i have him around, i will never come out of this deep hole that i have fallen in. As long as i have him around, i will never see the light that is shining on the rope. The very rope that leads to the top of the hole.

Why does life have to be so difficult? Yes.... no one said life was easy... Definitely not easy when you have more than one person in it. Everything you do or say may or may not effect the people around you. I remember that very question, "is being an adult more complicated than being a child". That is a definite yes!!!

But i have to look at myself too... i have made yet another mistake. I betrayed my friends and the people i care for. I failed to consider and failed to be in control. Falling once again is just going to make me stronger. However, before i stand again, i have to be able to gather the strength to stand up.

I know i should not be blaming myself for all that has happened.... Perhaps i did not make so much of a mistake. But what i do know is.... I already made a mistake. Any mistake, big or small... is already a good reason for me to stop and think. Think... it is something that i have been overlooking.

Blocking what other people tell me is not going to help. But too much of information..... too many things to do.... to many things to decide. Make me feel... am i worthy? Did i make the mistake? I know i made a huge mistake!!!

No one is going to help me solve this problem. No one is going to be there when i fall. But what i do know is.... I have my conscience to be my guide. But even with my conscience guiding me.... My intentions may be the very thing that is clouding my conscience leading to my judgement.

I am not such a good friend as i thought i was. Maybe i should leave this people and find another place with another group of people to start afresh. No matter how or what they are telling me about people do make mistakes, i still have my guilt and conscience to answer to. I cannot let things be like this anymore.

Does leaving mean i am giving up on my friends once again? Does it mean that i do not appreciate my friends? Am i going to make things worst? Does is mean that i am giving in and facing defeat? or Does it mean doing the right thing?

Is there another way to make this work. I know.... no matter what i decide, nothing will be the same and nothing in my life will ever be the same again. It is something that i have brought upon myself and i blame no one but myself. Life couldn't be any easier...... It is just part of life.... its vicious... and its a cycle. There is no end.... there is no begining.... "It ends, it begins"

Sunday, October 16, 2005


15th October 2005, Saturday


2.30pm.... Registered and signed in for the day..... got our uniforms.... gosh!!! First look at the uniforms... and they were going like..... "Horrible looking things"..... I didn't think much of the uniforms... but what do you expect for a casual worker??

In the locker room.... Nothing less than "I look ridiculous in this!!..... I am not going to be seen in this outfit"... To me... Oh well.... You are on a compulsory assignment... You have no choice. That is what being in this industry is all about.... You want to learn, you start low.....

3.00pm.... Got changed and went to the training room.... Signed in for the job....

3.30pm.... Met Encik Shamil... Got the low down from him for our grooming. I do agree with him about the other's grooming... Ladies, we are here to put on a fashion show nor be pretty. We are here to serve. Coloured bra, loose accessories, fringe all over the face. Nice to look at but not presentable. Got permission to leave the premise to acquire the proper groooming materials.

4.30pm.... Well groomed.... Back to the exhibition hall for our tour of the hall and where things were.

5.10pm... Break time for the non muslim's. Down to the cafeteria. With the afternoon serving left and the evening dishes not out, it was the only thing we had. No choice. What is there to complain about? Yes, it's cold and tasteless but you have to eat! I didn't like it either but come on, one meal like that won't kill you. Talk about survival skills??!!! Where on earth are your sense of reality girls??

5.40pm.... Back to the hall for the final briefing.... Divided to groups. I was under Encik Shamsul. Nice guy. Very pleasent. I had a good time working with him. There was another 2 males and 3 females, all permenant staff.

6.30pm.... Time to start running and getting ready. Drinks to be poured and cutlery's to be checked and plates to be inspected.

7.00pm.... Sound of the gong signified the starting of the Ramadhan Buffet. Guests to be seated and pelita to be lit. Tray jacks to be brought out and the serving begins.

9.00pm.... As soon as the guests started leaving for the night, the only left to do was to clear all remaining soiled plates, goblets and cutlery.

9.00pm.... Reseted the table for the following night.... I alone set 26 pax.... Not bad for a first timer..... =)

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Disappointed in you.......

I can't help but to think that you've begining to leave me out once again.... This has happened before and it's begining to seem way too familiar. The last time you acted this way..... it marked the end of our relationship. I wonder what is going to happen now.... when we are not in a relationship..... end of friendship?? Perhaps.....

I can't help but to think that i will lose you all over again. I ask myself why did we ever know each other in the first place. I ask myself.... why did you ever come in to my life. Why allow us to come together time after time and never having us together??

I thought i've decided to let things go. But why does it always have to be easier said than done? Isn't there an easier way to deal with this kind of matters? Yes yes... such as life.... the ironies are endless....

I know i am not perfect... I know i never will be.... Part of me wished i hit you harder but part of me now wished i didn't have the chance to hit you at all. At least for now, i wished i had nothing to do with you anymore. You would be happier... Perhaps. I used to be able to read you. Not anymore. I've lost it.... Lost it all.... Why?

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Thinking too much?? Perhaps.....

His message to me,

"I have a little angel flying around with a hammer, each person he hits gets a little bit of my luv.... i hope he beats u up like crazy... =p"

My reply,

"I caught your poor lil angel and imprisoned it. Gonna make him my minnion n he's coming you way... to hit u so hard u won't 4get he was sent by me!"

His reply,

"Hmm... i guess this person knows that u want him to be hit real hard. What can he say except he has been hit but not hard enough the last time. I guess he's a jackass"

My reply,
"I don't think its him being a jackass.. my angel has trouble with his hitting skills. Happens when he doesn't use it often. Maybe he needs more training"

After this round of messages, i was more than happy. Happy to find out that i actually got his love for a moment. Just for a moment. Nevertheless... there is always a reminder.... He is no longer there for me.... No matter what happens to me... There is no assurance that he'll be there for me. Hopes and faith is not going to get me anywhere when he is concerned.... From the heart.... a lil bit of it still has his name written all over it.

Sometimes, i do fool myself into believing that he will somehow, someday come back to me. As soon as i awake from this wishful fantasy, i know that now, he belongs to someone else. No matter what, at this present moment, that feeling still lingers. Once in a while, it'll emerge and send a strain of emotions down my spine. My heart grows fond.

Yes, it might seem silly and naive. As if indulging in a childish fantasy. I beg to differ...... It has not been easy for me.... and i will say, it is still not easy for me to surpress those feelings. Nevertheless, i've learnt a very important lesson.... "If you truly love that someone, you would want to see them happy. If you want to see that someone happy, you have to let go"... That is how it is now for me...... Can't say i am entirely happy... but part of me is while the other part is trying to supress those feelings.

If he only knew, every look, every smile, every hug, every kiss, every word, every smell, every glance, every stare...... brings back a lot of memories. Sweet memories that will lie deep within me. He may not be around for me anymore but a piece of him still remains in my mind, in my heart.

Friday, September 30, 2005

THE BEST night in a whole year....

Last night was just THE best time i've had in a year..... seriously, i felt so free...... nothing and i do mean NOTHING could've been better than what i had last night. 29th September 2005 is certainly THE NIGHT TO REMEMBER!!!!!
A year back i was devastated on this very day. But a year after, i had the best of times with the one i so cared for. There is nothing much a girl can ask for when it comes to this.
Frankly, i do feel very upset and a big let down when i did not get what i wanted. But then again, i got more than what i had expected for the night. I WILL FOREVER treasure this piece of memory till i die. I've not been this happy and carefree in such a long while. I'm lost of words.
Let's just say i was happy.... and in a good mood..... i got dressed.... started partying..... Danced with the guys.... not just any kind of dancing but some very interesting moves..... i was suprised at myself. I never thought i would be dancing like i did last night. Finally, i let go... let loose!!!
Damn..... i was HOT last night.... to me.... i've never been this hard at partying and never dressed to SOOOOO hot!!! I had compliments from one very significant guy in my life and another coming from a total stranger!! Both the same reaction. Both the same comments. Seriously, i've not been able to get this kind of attention. Even just from 2 people.... i am really flattered..... I know now.... that I CAN and i am ABLE to pull this kind of things off. Damn Gurl!!!!
Oh yes, did i mentioned that most of the dances that i had with the guyz were nothing less than passionate and provoking?!!!! Yea.... damn gurl!!! ;)

Saturday, September 24, 2005

A new begining

Sad and painful memories emerged from the back of my head...... I can never supress that "stinging" feeling somewhere in my heart every time i think of him. There was never a moment where i can stop thinking about all that have happened......... Yes, i admit that it was nothing that i could've done about it....... or is there? Come to think of it now, i could've dumped all these misery by choosing not to start. Not starting the sweetest most unforgettable relationship of my 22 years of life. Then again.... without this relationship... i would've not be where i am today... i guess it's just the purpose of life...... "you walk, you fall, you get up and you walk again"

Of course, everything in life is always easier said than done. I for one can tell you from the bottom of my heart, "I know". The irony in life is that, "you are able to give tonnes of advice to others, but there is no way u can hear yourself". I've lived to experience and share....... unfortunately, everything that i am able to share are personal experiences. Needless to say, most of the advices comes from learning through bad experiences. Some of which i've never come to surpass. Like i said, it is easier said than done.

I know a lot of things..... i know how life goes and how people should see it...... I am able to find the "light" when in darkness.... I can tell you, i know....... But finding peace with yourself and moving on is always the hardest thing to do.

I know exactly what i am doing.... i've loved and lost and loved again...... i know for a fact that there is nothing i can do to have him back in my life...... i know that there is no easy way out......

The more i tell myself it is over and there is nothing i can do about it, the more i refuse to let go. I've told myself many many times to move on..... but if moving on means losing someone so dear.... i rather not. But if i go on like this, i will never be happy....... Is there no other way??? The more i see him now, the more i remember...... and like i said.... i've loved and lost and love again. Must i say goodbye and never return?

Why does it always have to be like this? Sometimes i wished so hard to have my memories erased but those memories are irreplaceable...... I tried leaving him behind... vowing never to return... the longer i am away, the sadder i become. There is not a day that past without a piece of memory of him.

What should i do? I thought about it. From a lot of perspective. Event to the religious point of view.... "There is a reason why God chose you to undergo his test"..... I just wonder why..... I know it is not my place to question being not a "child" of God...... But i do think.... Why me? Why move the pieces of my life in such a way that everytime i get some good going.... it ends..... Is there a reason to all these? Is my validity in life so predictable in such a way.

Frankly, i don't think i have the confidence to achieve anything at this point of time. If all that i am going to gain is heartbreak and disappointment everytime i've worked so hard, i rather not start. I guess that is why, up until now, i've not even looked nor try to have someone else in my life. It is not that i am such a difficult or an unfriendly girl.... i just made it that way..... I don't think i can handle another downfall such as this.

Yes, i know that one day.... eventually.... i will stand up and stand strong and "walk" again......

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Feeling kept away.......

We were in love before. But now it's so much more. Cause when I kiss your lips I can't explain. What I feel in my heart for you. I don't know what I'd do. Baby if I lost you. Cause I've been without you and I know how it feels. And I can't be alone anymore. I know its more than love. Baby I can feel it. When I'm close to youI know its more than love. Baby, do you?Maybe my words don't explain. Why I'm feeling this way. Maybe my words don't explain. Why I'm feeling this way. I don't know what I'd do. Baby if I lost you. Cause I've been without you and I know how it feels. And I can't be alone anymore. I know its more than love. Baby I can feel it. When I'm close to youI know its more than love. Baby I can feel it. When I'm close to youI know its more than love. Baby, do you?

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Life long story.... 22 years worth

Brought up in a normal and healthy family. Good environment, dad, mom and my bro. Like any other siblings there is always a sense of competition. In my household, there was no exception. Me being me, the youngest and a girl, i was jealous at the things and not to mention, attention that my brother was getting.

As far as i can remember, i was only 9 when i first realised that i had to do something to impress my parents. Young and naive..... not my choice... its part of growing up. =) Competition after competition, fight after fight...... my brother and i are now a pair of loving siblings. No matter how much of rivalry we have, he is after all, my one and only brother. At the present moment, we both know that we have each other's backs. It is not just a promise its a fact.

A year back, i got so drunk, i had to call for aid. Who else? My bro was there for me.... =) Aww... how sweet....

Anyways, if i do go on any longer, this blog will not be a blog anymore. I can assure you, that it'll be a novel.....

All i know is, all my current experiences are somehow influenced by my past. People say, "let your past, stay in your past" but we all know that it is not entirely possible. In my blogs to come, you will find out how i grew up and all the stories in it. Why i react in a certain way and how and why i feel like that. It'll all emerge in no time.....

Till then..... Enjoy what you have and treasure all the moments....... even dull ones...... =)

Friday, September 16, 2005

My very first blog

I have no idea why i started this blog...... Maybe i realised it is a good way for me to let out my thoughts.... Or it could be that i normally have more problems than i think and telling people about them is going to drive them up the wall. You can imagine how i feel.... =)

Anyways, here is my story...................