Friday, September 30, 2005

THE BEST night in a whole year....

Last night was just THE best time i've had in a year..... seriously, i felt so free...... nothing and i do mean NOTHING could've been better than what i had last night. 29th September 2005 is certainly THE NIGHT TO REMEMBER!!!!!
A year back i was devastated on this very day. But a year after, i had the best of times with the one i so cared for. There is nothing much a girl can ask for when it comes to this.
Frankly, i do feel very upset and a big let down when i did not get what i wanted. But then again, i got more than what i had expected for the night. I WILL FOREVER treasure this piece of memory till i die. I've not been this happy and carefree in such a long while. I'm lost of words.
Let's just say i was happy.... and in a good mood..... i got dressed.... started partying..... Danced with the guys.... not just any kind of dancing but some very interesting moves..... i was suprised at myself. I never thought i would be dancing like i did last night. Finally, i let go... let loose!!!
Damn..... i was HOT last night.... to me.... i've never been this hard at partying and never dressed to SOOOOO hot!!! I had compliments from one very significant guy in my life and another coming from a total stranger!! Both the same reaction. Both the same comments. Seriously, i've not been able to get this kind of attention. Even just from 2 people.... i am really flattered..... I know now.... that I CAN and i am ABLE to pull this kind of things off. Damn Gurl!!!!
Oh yes, did i mentioned that most of the dances that i had with the guyz were nothing less than passionate and provoking?!!!! Yea.... damn gurl!!! ;)

Saturday, September 24, 2005

A new begining

Sad and painful memories emerged from the back of my head...... I can never supress that "stinging" feeling somewhere in my heart every time i think of him. There was never a moment where i can stop thinking about all that have happened......... Yes, i admit that it was nothing that i could've done about it....... or is there? Come to think of it now, i could've dumped all these misery by choosing not to start. Not starting the sweetest most unforgettable relationship of my 22 years of life. Then again.... without this relationship... i would've not be where i am today... i guess it's just the purpose of life...... "you walk, you fall, you get up and you walk again"

Of course, everything in life is always easier said than done. I for one can tell you from the bottom of my heart, "I know". The irony in life is that, "you are able to give tonnes of advice to others, but there is no way u can hear yourself". I've lived to experience and share....... unfortunately, everything that i am able to share are personal experiences. Needless to say, most of the advices comes from learning through bad experiences. Some of which i've never come to surpass. Like i said, it is easier said than done.

I know a lot of things..... i know how life goes and how people should see it...... I am able to find the "light" when in darkness.... I can tell you, i know....... But finding peace with yourself and moving on is always the hardest thing to do.

I know exactly what i am doing.... i've loved and lost and loved again...... i know for a fact that there is nothing i can do to have him back in my life...... i know that there is no easy way out......

The more i tell myself it is over and there is nothing i can do about it, the more i refuse to let go. I've told myself many many times to move on..... but if moving on means losing someone so dear.... i rather not. But if i go on like this, i will never be happy....... Is there no other way??? The more i see him now, the more i remember...... and like i said.... i've loved and lost and love again. Must i say goodbye and never return?

Why does it always have to be like this? Sometimes i wished so hard to have my memories erased but those memories are irreplaceable...... I tried leaving him behind... vowing never to return... the longer i am away, the sadder i become. There is not a day that past without a piece of memory of him.

What should i do? I thought about it. From a lot of perspective. Event to the religious point of view.... "There is a reason why God chose you to undergo his test"..... I just wonder why..... I know it is not my place to question being not a "child" of God...... But i do think.... Why me? Why move the pieces of my life in such a way that everytime i get some good going.... it ends..... Is there a reason to all these? Is my validity in life so predictable in such a way.

Frankly, i don't think i have the confidence to achieve anything at this point of time. If all that i am going to gain is heartbreak and disappointment everytime i've worked so hard, i rather not start. I guess that is why, up until now, i've not even looked nor try to have someone else in my life. It is not that i am such a difficult or an unfriendly girl.... i just made it that way..... I don't think i can handle another downfall such as this.

Yes, i know that one day.... eventually.... i will stand up and stand strong and "walk" again......

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Feeling kept away.......

We were in love before. But now it's so much more. Cause when I kiss your lips I can't explain. What I feel in my heart for you. I don't know what I'd do. Baby if I lost you. Cause I've been without you and I know how it feels. And I can't be alone anymore. I know its more than love. Baby I can feel it. When I'm close to youI know its more than love. Baby, do you?Maybe my words don't explain. Why I'm feeling this way. Maybe my words don't explain. Why I'm feeling this way. I don't know what I'd do. Baby if I lost you. Cause I've been without you and I know how it feels. And I can't be alone anymore. I know its more than love. Baby I can feel it. When I'm close to youI know its more than love. Baby I can feel it. When I'm close to youI know its more than love. Baby, do you?

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Life long story.... 22 years worth

Brought up in a normal and healthy family. Good environment, dad, mom and my bro. Like any other siblings there is always a sense of competition. In my household, there was no exception. Me being me, the youngest and a girl, i was jealous at the things and not to mention, attention that my brother was getting.

As far as i can remember, i was only 9 when i first realised that i had to do something to impress my parents. Young and naive..... not my choice... its part of growing up. =) Competition after competition, fight after fight...... my brother and i are now a pair of loving siblings. No matter how much of rivalry we have, he is after all, my one and only brother. At the present moment, we both know that we have each other's backs. It is not just a promise its a fact.

A year back, i got so drunk, i had to call for aid. Who else? My bro was there for me.... =) Aww... how sweet....

Anyways, if i do go on any longer, this blog will not be a blog anymore. I can assure you, that it'll be a novel.....

All i know is, all my current experiences are somehow influenced by my past. People say, "let your past, stay in your past" but we all know that it is not entirely possible. In my blogs to come, you will find out how i grew up and all the stories in it. Why i react in a certain way and how and why i feel like that. It'll all emerge in no time.....

Till then..... Enjoy what you have and treasure all the moments....... even dull ones...... =)

Friday, September 16, 2005

My very first blog

I have no idea why i started this blog...... Maybe i realised it is a good way for me to let out my thoughts.... Or it could be that i normally have more problems than i think and telling people about them is going to drive them up the wall. You can imagine how i feel.... =)

Anyways, here is my story...................